Let’s do a little experiment.
I’ll present you a poem — one of my 100 Themes poems, to be exact — in unpolished form.
You take that draft, rewrite it according to your own style and creative fancies, and post it below (in the comments).
Sounds a little awkward, perhaps, but bear with me. What I hope to do is to start a communal poetry project, in which everyone contributes a different version of a single poem … thereby practicing revision, learning from other poets’ approaches, and honing our own voices.
The idea isn’t to imply “your poem is bad, my poem will be better” — it’s to take a rough-ish draft and see what can be done with it!
This is about possibilities and practice, not critique. So don’t be shy. Give it a shot!
The more people who participate, the better the project will work.
I have one rule, though: do not publish this poem elsewhere, unless it’s on your own website (or art forum profile) and you give credit and a link back to this post.
You know … common Internet etiquette. 🙂
Anyway, here’s the first experimental draft — the poetic guinea pig, if you will. Have at it! I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with.
***
The Lime-and-Tequila Love Song
That smile’s an ice-chip wink, a drunken sentiment
she won’t understand until light, reflected, strikes,
and the rays shine only behind her. A cloud hovers,
the moment passes. She would wait,
she would tick the hours on a rotary dial (tick, slide,
tick, slide) hoping one day the call would go through.
White noise on the line. A crackle, a murmur.
She reads too much into murmurs.
Her lips pucker, the taste of unknowing like lime
on the tongue—she’ll be at the tequila, again.
If someone would crash against her, crash like a wave
on the rock of her, she would shudder, and shuddering
wear down, warmly. You want a white sand beach,
this is what you’ve got to do, she tells herself,
slurring half the words to him. But the other end
is silent. The murmur was a stray fiber-optic,
a ghost echo of loves long buried undersea.
Perhaps someone should tell her she’s no ocean shore,
no rock, alone with birds. She’ll wake to the smell
of bird-droppings and with a rolling laugh tumble
into a sea she’s made her own, plunging deeper
in that unknown place of salt—a taste
as superior to lime as life to sentiment.
***
There she stands. Post your revised version (or a link to it) below!
***UPDATE 2017: I’ve recently revised the poem, so it’s not quite as rough anymore! 😉
I would love to play along with this, and have saved the email notification that you posted this, BUT I’m so busy editing my novel that I keep putting off. I so need to keep focusing on it. However, I did want you to know that I love this idea, but since last Oct when I had planned on solely focusing on editing, I have found myself doing everything else. I hope you get many folks to play along.
Thanks James! Hope you get a chance to play along. And good luck editing your novel…that definitely comes first. 🙂
This is such a wonderful idea and I had so much fun with it; for some reason I find ocean themes and bitter love particularly inspiring 😀 Here’s the result of my musing over this beautiful poem: (I also shared your post on my blog, hopefully more people will play along <3)
"'Margarita'
She can’t hear you smile
over the loud music,
her thoughts are hazy
and blurred like the lines
between one ocean
and the other –
maybe it wasn’t a smile,
nor love at first sight,
only wishful thinking,
only memories.
She dives in
following the trail of salt
drawn over a warm pulse,
first unwritten rule
of this courage ritual.
You came looking for a safe heaven
in the eye of her storm
and she's let you believe
it was just a passing cloud;
the next gulp of regret
is going to taste like water.
As she sits
at the bottom of your silence,
present and past solitudes collide
against the rock that is hope –
falling into the cracks of her lips
the lime chases away doubt.
With a bitter smile
the fire is drowned.
She is more than the safety you crave,
more than sand and light wind,
she is the resting treasure itself,
a divine and deadly voice
she is clouds full of life,
the meeting of light and rain
made for brighter skies."
THANK YOU! I love you for this. What a finish!
The whole time I wasn’t sure if it was a woman or a drink…I still can’t say…I go back and forth, and it slurs together like a heartbroken night at the bar, or perhaps “the lines between one ocean and the other.” 🙂
Thank *you* for the inspiration and the creative workout! I’m really, really glad the whole “heartbroken drunk” feeling came across.
Poem
LIME-AND-TEQUILA
By: Ifeyinwa Achia. (words by randianderson.com)
That smile a dewdrop wink, sentimental
we don’t understand light reflected strikes,
we don’t understand the rays behind us shines
A cloud hovers, the moment passes.
She would wait,
She would tick
Hours on a rotary dial
Tick, slide, tick, slide hoping,
the call would one day go through
White noise on the line.
A crackle, a murmur.
She reads unknowing taste into murmur,
She tells herself tongue like lips lime pucker,
‘I’ll be at the tequila, again’.
Crash against her, someone would,
Crash on her on the rock like a wave,
Shudder, and shuddering, wear, down warmly
She would
A white sand beach you want?
Is this what you have got to do?
Through her mouth to him, halfway speaking
Silent the other end is but, that murmur was
A fiber-optic astray
A love of ghost echo
Undersea long buried
No ocean shore, someone tell her
No rock, alone with birds.
She’ll wake to the smell
of bird-droppings, and
She’ll tumble with a rolling laugh
Plunging deeper into sea
Unknown place her own she made
Of-salt-a taste superior to lime like life
Sentiment she tells herself.
××××
(Am just a literature student, no poet actually. But am working to identify my genre)
I wish to see this poem criticised then I can define myself best. God bless you good people.
Randi, keep up the good work you doing.]
Thank you! Sorry for the late reply; I’ve been on vacation and away from the computer. You’re experimenting with some interesting rewordings, mixing them up in different ways. Just make sure to keep a flow and rhythm going between the lines!